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At times, the days seem long and tortuous before Hun returns from work. Simply put, I get lonely. Yes, Baby Boy is here to entertain and yes there are things to keep me occupied. There are even things of interest to me that I can do. Still, life at home can be utterly lonely sometimes. There’s no adult interaction, there’s not much by way of daytime television, and talking to a 3-month-old infant is often mostly one-sided.
Being an introvert and loner in nature, makes the task choice of being a stay-at-home mother even more challenging at times. Who do I reach out to? What do I discuss when reaching out? Do I just talk about baby stuff? Do I venture to discuss with others politics and the state of the country? Am I really in the mood to reach out to anyone? These are the questions that can plague me. Historically, I’m inconsistent in being the “reacher” and am a better “receiver”. This has been true my entire life, not just during a particular phase or developmental stage, if you will. It’s almost as if I loathe reaching out to people. Reaching out, in my mind, equates with weakness, need, emotions. Therein lies the issue, at least for me. It’s not an issue of desire for connection, it’s a lack of wanting in appearing weak, via mine own eyes you see.
I often don’t want much of anything to do with small talk, for it really doesn’t serve much purpose and mostly wastes time. I’d much rather discuss current events, and not just those events that are plastered all over CNN, HLN, and especially not the local news stations. I’d also much rather discuss topics which are often not “mainstream”, though not in the this-isn’t-mainstream-but-it’s-a-fad-for-me way either. See, I find that there’s more going on – some of which is important to me and some of which holds little interest for me. At the same time, there are few people who have the time or the desire during the day to discuss the matters of the country or alternative topics, let alone idealism. Most people are at work. Many stay-at-home moms have more than one child in which their time is occupied, even if there may be a common bond present. I don’t like taking people’s time away as I understand the depth of the interruption oftentimes. I also very much believe it to be important to focus on conversations, which in turn, typically means little to no distractions. This is the best way for me to have a conversation that’s not face-to-face.
I’ve considered joining a “mommy group”. Currently, there aren’t any active ones in my immediate area. To me, there’s an inherent problem with this idea in general. That is the problem of ‘pretending’, as I like to call it. Smiling to no end, in an effort to not offend total strangers, hoping that they like you, and discussing neutral boring topics, of which I have little interest. I know, I could start a group, especially one more tailored to my interests. Frankly, right now, I’m not interested in doing so.
There are a great many virtual outlets for people these days. Shall I remind you that I’m not really good at being the “reacher”. Also, for some reason t is difficult to keep up with these formats. Besides, back to the issue of me being and introvert, I don’t really like sharing information for ‘all the world to see’. Therefore these virtual outlets are interesting and cumbersome to me.
In the end, I am an introvert and I am a private person. I’m actually not complaining, just stating a fact for me right now.