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A little while back, I wrote a post about my personally perceived incompetence. I’m happy to say that more days than not, I no longer feel so incompetent. Actually, now that I’m writing about it, I gain a little bit more confidence in me being a mother daily.
Every day that goes by when I’ve gotten things done. Every day that I watch Baby’s face light up when I bring books for us to read together. Every time I start singing a song he likes and he shows his excitement. Every time I sit back and watch how well he moves, how his coordination continues to improve, how hard he tries to move on his own. Each and every time I look at his smiling face, I am happy. I feel a sense of pride and my confidence grows in knowing that I am doing a-ok afterall.
Can I be honest about something, though? I don’t really know what to do with babies. Beyond feed, change, play, read, hold, and talk I’m fresh out of ideas. Baby seems to need a pretty constant stream of activity of some sort.
In other words, Baby is always moving. From the moment he wakes up to when he finally passes out for the night, he’s moving. He’s making sounds, he’s playing, he’s wanting more attention, he gets into things, he wants to go places he can’t yet get himself. He has to be wherever we are (primarily me). It’s exhausting.
More truthfully, I’m exhausted with the constant stream of activity. All of his moving around gets me a bit overstimulated. I need a break sometimes. Just a break from the moving around all the time. Sometimes it’s good to be still. I like times where things are still. That’s probably why I have a picture of the tree outside our window.
I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself that I musn’t know much about babies before we had our own. Well, unfortunately, you’re wrong. I know a bit about child development and all that jazz. None of that changes how Baby’s constant activity can grate on me. That’s all I’m really saying.
Part of me wishes I could ask Baby to slow down a bit (and he understand me), part of me doesn’t. The part that doesn’t want to ask him to slow down (and he understand) is the part that doesn’t want to wish away his baby-hood, let alone his life. The part of me that wishes I could ask Baby to slow down a bit (and he understand me), is the part that is still trying to catch up. That’s the part that is still figuring out motherhood. That’s the part that doesn’t know what to do with Baby and his constant stream of activity.
I mean, I know it’s actually a wonderful thing he is so active. It simply means he’s learning and exploring – he’s interested. I truly never knew how much I would yearn for some real peace and quiet once Baby entered our lives. That was before I found that Baby is a can-not-miss-anything-in-this-exciting-world kind of Baby who doesn’t much like to nap (which he will only do when and how he wants, by the way).
Maybe I’ll never really master motherhood, but I sincerely hope that I’ll at least get better at it. I hope that his constant stream of activity I am able to accept more and more, instead of just understand. I’m sure one day (probably sooner rather than later), I’ll be writing a post about how much his constant stream of activity delights me to no avail, even though it’s exhausting.
Maybe one day, I’ll be able to sit back and watch him play, completely on his own, and I’ll wish for the days that he needed me more from me. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know what kind of future mother I’ll be. I just hope that I’ll keep adjusting right along with Baby and we keep having fun. Some quiet moments mixed in here and there would be great though, too!