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I’ve had to find another #Reverb13 prompt listing. This seems much more organized, they even have a website. I’ll still only participate for 14 days, as I know that’s all I can reasonably handle this month. I didn’t join the list, but here’s the link in case you’re interested: ProjectReverb.
Day 4: Hindsight is the one thing we never benefit from in the present. Is there one moment you wish you could do over?
Immediately, I go to this one moment. Immediately, without question. This one moment, shortly after Baby’s birth. It’s the one moment I wish I had been a little more together. The one moment in the whole wonderful experience I wish I had followed my gut. It’s the one moment that can bring me to tears if I let it. This moment defined the first week of Baby’s life and our life with Baby. This one moment, the briefest of moments in time. I didn’t do what I felt to be right, what I intrinsically in that mother way knew to be true. I didn’t speak up and then a cascade of events (I still haven’t finished writing about) happened.
Although it was tough, we made it through – all three of us. Hun has said how much stronger he views me after our experience and how much he values my ability to appear calm in the midst of difficult people and experiences. He’s proud of me for how I handled the resulting situation.
I, on the other hand, not quite so much. I didn’t listen to that still quiet voice inside me that said “Stop. Wait. We’re not doing this. I don’t have confidence in your competence.”
I hold myself accountable in this way. I haven’t let it go. I don’t think I’m ready to let it go. I don’t think, right now, even in this moment as tears form in my eyes, with Baby drifting off to sleep while nursing in my lap, I can let it go.
Thankfully that moment I wish I could change, doesn’t define me as a mother. Thankfully, no one else suffers silently as I do when I think of the time following Baby’s birth. Thankfully, my personal self-inflicted scar doesn’t show. Thankfully, no one is as hard on me as I am.
Until now, no one knew, not even Hun. Now though, I’m sitting here writing this and immediately the doubt about whether I’ll publish begins to nag at the corners of my mind. I know that if I don’t, I won’t be the same. I know that if I create a “back-up” post to answer this question or search for another prompt or skip this prompt, I know I’m not being truthful. I know I’ll be allowing this one moment to fester. I’ll be hiding.
It’s easy to hide. I tend not to hide, choosing to be more authentic in my living, with my words and my actions. So, no matter how much anxiety I’ll feel once I publish this post, I also know I need to publish it. I need to begin the healing process by allowing this one regret to be known. The process of letting this one moment go needs to start. So, yes, I’m going to publish this post. I’m letting the world know that of my entire life, this is my one regret.
I wish I could change that moment. I wish things were just a bit slower, slow enough for my just-gave-birth brain to process the quiet words I felt inside. I wish I’d said, “wait”. I wish I’d listened, or more accurately, that I’d spoken up. I wish I’d said I didn’t trust them and I didn’t want to go with them.
I want to take that moment back. I want to at least have spoken up, questioned, allowed my feeling of doubt be known.
Maybe the outcome would have been the same. Maybe the overall choice would have still been made. Maybe, just maybe what wasn’t really an emergency wouldn’t have become an emergency – a true emergency. Maybe, I wouldn’t live with this 1 regret.
I’ll never know, it’s said and done. Baby is over 7 months old and thriving, just as happy and joyous as can be. He’s such a healthy, strong, active, and delightful baby.
And, this moment I will now begin to let go of.
Right now though, you reading this, whoever you are, wherever you are. Thank you for listening to me. Thank you for hearing my pain. That moment is the one I wish I could do all over.