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Tonight I was able to get 2 1/2 hours to myself. I almost feel like a new person. How relieving it was to care for myself – alone! I needed that time badly and I’m so very grateful that I was able to get it. Everything just fell into place, without any planning by me. Baby Boy fell asleep quickly after dinner and nursing. My mother agreed to watch over him while I took a couple hours to reinvest in myself.
When I returned, Baby Boy was up and playing without much fussing. I was ready and able to be present with Baby Boy. I was calm and together. Quite simply, I had been refreshed. In only 2 1/2 hours I was refreshed. In only 2 1/2 hours I no longer felt the pressure, the frustration, the anxiety like a heavy weight over me.
I’m even able to sit here and write this little piece openly. There’s no forcing, no stress, and no pressure to produce. I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to hold this slice of serenity, but it’s here for now. Now is what matters. Now is where I like to live. Now is how I remain true to myself and am able to be my best for and with others.
I can also see the good things happening. Baby Boy is learning so many things, every day. My father is continuing to make progress with his physical health. My mother even pitched in a few times, in different ways, and without my asking, over the last few days. Baby Boy is approaching his 11 month birthday and we’re still actively breastfeeding. Hun and I haven’t completely fallen apart, despite the difficulties and the physical separation. Overall, I’ve even done alright in caring for myself and keeping everything together.
Tonight, I see where I was the other night and how far from there I am in this moment. A great distance I’ve covered in just a few short days. I’ve gone from feeling entirely alone, misunderstood, neglected, angry, frustrated, taken for granted, unsupported, and lacking confidence to being in the moment, expressing gratitude, recognizing progress and positivity, and even breathing.