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The stress is getting to me. Stress of being away from Hun every.single.day. Stress of being on the move every weekend when Hun comes to visit. Stress of trying to manage my life, Baby Boy, my family’s life, my father’s needs, and keeping his place in order. Stress of not getting much, if any, time to myself. Stress of family members inability to be present and to help my father. Stress of being stressed. Stress of things not working out in my family’s favor lately. Stress of Baby Boy growing and changing.
Today, I pushed Baby Boy off me while I was on the phone attempting to handle a personal business matter. I yelled at him, while I was on the phone. I walked away and shut myself in the bathroom to finish the call, while he screamed and cried so terribly and inconsolably, on the other side of the door. I don’t feel good about my behavior. I don’t feel good about the way I feel when I think of Baby Boy’s needs and care requirements. I don’t feel good that I don’t feel good about these things.
Everything’s taking a toll. It’s taking a toll that can become so incredibly unmanageable. I’m heading down the unhealthy path. I’m slipping into behaviors that aren’t who or how I am. I’m having so much difficulty.
I try to lower my expectations. I try to let go of control. I try to accept people where they are. It’s not easy. It’s getting more difficult. It’s becoming uncomfortable. I’m almost suffocating within my head.
There are other blows I’ve taken lately. Things related to the betterment of my little family. Goals, dreams, desires, wishes, plans….they’ve been hit, too. They’ve been hit from different angles. I have so much trouble with these kinds of hits. I need time to process them, come up with alternatives, or even just to deal with the effects of the hits.
I’m just having so much trouble right now. I’m going to look for a place in the week to take some time for myself. There are so many things not yet scheduled or planned, that need to be, I’m not quite sure how to fit myself in.
I’m tired. Physically, emotionally, and mentally tired. For now, I’ll focus on the physical and try to quiet my mind enough to get a few hours of sleep.