«

»

Mar 17

What Am I Doing??

Tonight I was a bad mother. I wasn’t nice. I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t even a little bit happy. I wasn’t loving. I wasn’t compassionate. I wasn’t a good person towards Baby Boy in many ways.

I was angry. I was frustrated. I was hurtful and mean. I was harsh. I yelled. I didn’t comfort Baby Boy. I didn’t hold him. I didn’t want any of what was going on.

Most all of these things weren’t about Baby Boy. Actually, none of it was about Baby Boy.

Finally he’s sleeping calmly and now I’m stepping back to see what I was, who I am. I’m not a great mother. I’m really not even a good mother. I barely pass for decent, if you ask me.

Tonight I wasn’t a mother at all. Tonight I was selfish. Tonight I was stuck. Tonight was bad.

It’s very difficult to admit this. I’m sad. Sad about what happened.  How I treated this beautiful, wonderful, loving, intelligent, growing, happy, attached, well adjusted little child is not acceptable.

Baby Boy deserves, no needs, a good mother. Baby Boy needs a mother who’s not going to take her stuff out on him. Baby Boy needs a mother who’s willing to be present with him, kind, thoughtful, loving, thankful, and who helps him through things. He doesn’t deserve, let alone need, a mother like me.

Right now, at this time, I’m not sure I’m that person. Right now, at this time, I don’t know if ever I was. Right now, in this moment, I have absolutely no confidence. I’m empty, devoid of even the smallest thought or idea that I’ve ever done well with Baby Boy.

This is more than just a momentary lapse in confidence. I have n-o-n-e. I haven’t truly felt this way in years. I have questioned my confidence, yet been able to see previous successes.

Now though, now I can’t see anything in my mothering that’s really worked. Now I see nothing more than the many mistakes I’ve made over these last 11 months. Now I see a person trying to be and do things I’m not good at. Now, I feel as much a fake, if not moreso, as I did when Baby Boy first arrived.

I just had to put this out there.

6 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. onebreath

    Hugs to you both. You are NOT a bad mother. You love your son and you are frequently writing about that love and how you are reflecting on what that means and how you can live that love for him in your life. You are going to make mistakes. Lots of them. And I am confident you will feel sad for a bit and then you will gather together a lesson for yourself and for him. Both of you will learn that it’s okay to make mistakes and that you can move past them and grow.
    onebreath recently posted…DatingMy Profile

    1. Life Breath Present

      Though I’m not sure I’ve gotten the lesson quite yet, I do know I’m much better than I was the other night. I know that I’m glad to be Baby Boy’s Mom and that I mustn’t have done too terribly as he still seems to love me oh so much. At the same time, he continues to show me how we’re both learning together. Your reminder that mistakes are just mistakes, it’s ok to have them, and I will move beyond them, is great onebreath! :)

  2. Laurel Regan

    I’m so very sorry you’re feeling discouraged. I’m not a parent, but I think we all go through times in other areas of our lives when we feel like fakes, like we’re fooling everyone, like we don’t REALLY know what we’re doing and some day everyone is going to see through the act and find out the truth.

    But the thing is, it’s NOT the truth. And we can’t listen to that voice that tries to tell us that it is.

    You are a wonderful mother. Remember that. :)
    Laurel Regan recently posted…Today’s Gratitude List – Linkup No. 21My Profile

    1. Life Breath Present

      Thank you. I needed to hear that. I needed to be reminded that feelings are not facts and also that I’m not the only one who sometimes feels like a fake! Laurel, you’re great at how you touch on something for me :)

  3. Maureen

    We all make mistakes. I make them on a daily basis. It’s okay. We get frustrated and sometimes take things out on our children whether they deserve it or not. Just take it as a learning experience and brush yourself off. Tomorrow will be a better day.
    Maureen recently posted…Procrastination Is Making Me LateMy Profile

    1. Life Breath Present

      Things have been progressively better since then. Thanks for the encouragement and reminder :)

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

CommentLuv badge

%d bloggers like this: