Tonight I was a bad mother. I wasn’t nice. I wasn’t calm. I wasn’t even a little bit happy. I wasn’t loving. I wasn’t compassionate. I wasn’t a good person towards Baby Boy in many ways.
I was angry. I was frustrated. I was hurtful and mean. I was harsh. I yelled. I didn’t comfort Baby Boy. I didn’t hold him. I didn’t want any of what was going on.
Most all of these things weren’t about Baby Boy. Actually, none of it was about Baby Boy.
Finally he’s sleeping calmly and now I’m stepping back to see what I was, who I am. I’m not a great mother. I’m really not even a good mother. I barely pass for decent, if you ask me.
Tonight I wasn’t a mother at all. Tonight I was selfish. Tonight I was stuck. Tonight was bad.
It’s very difficult to admit this. I’m sad. Sad about what happened. How I treated this beautiful, wonderful, loving, intelligent, growing, happy, attached, well adjusted little child is not acceptable.
Baby Boy deserves, no needs, a good mother. Baby Boy needs a mother who’s not going to take her stuff out on him. Baby Boy needs a mother who’s willing to be present with him, kind, thoughtful, loving, thankful, and who helps him through things. He doesn’t deserve, let alone need, a mother like me.
Right now, at this time, I’m not sure I’m that person. Right now, at this time, I don’t know if ever I was. Right now, in this moment, I have absolutely no confidence. I’m empty, devoid of even the smallest thought or idea that I’ve ever done well with Baby Boy.
This is more than just a momentary lapse in confidence. I have n-o-n-e. I haven’t truly felt this way in years. I have questioned my confidence, yet been able to see previous successes.
Now though, now I can’t see anything in my mothering that’s really worked. Now I see nothing more than the many mistakes I’ve made over these last 11 months. Now I see a person trying to be and do things I’m not good at. Now, I feel as much a fake, if not moreso, as I did when Baby Boy first arrived.
I just had to put this out there.