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Your life is getting so full – of words, activity, and play, that I’m not sure if I can keep up. You’ve always been so full of life and love. You’ve enhanced my life in ways I never would have experienced without you.
Your growing up affects me in ways I’m not always clear on, yet I know deep in my soul you’re profound impact on my life is one of the best blessings I’ve ever received.
I know you’re not aware, but Papa and I are thinking of adding another member to our family, another beautiful child, similar to you, but oh so different. In this, we don’t want to replicate you, yet we do. It’s difficult to explain the desire to spread even more love, to share our already full hearts and hands with another child.
I wonder at the possibility of this, can I be a good enough mother to another child? Have I really been a good enough mother to you? Maybe I need more practice. Though you’re not a practice child, I’m always learning about how to be a mother. Will I be able to manage another pregnancy? Can I still be involved with you and be pregnant? How will you handle me being pregnant? Are you ready for a sibling or is it just that I have an itch to fulfill? What kind of big brother will you be? Maybe we should wait until you’re older, yet I don’t want too much of a gap between you and your next sibling. I want you too be old enough to play and teach your sibling the wonders of life, but not so old your wonders and your siblings’ wonders are light years away from one another.
You’re still so attached to me, have we had enough time together, just us? What about Papa, you love him so so much, have the two of you bonded enough as the first child, as males? And I wonder at the logistics, too. Will you want to keep breastfeeding, are you willing to share, or will I have to abruptly end your nursing because it’s too painful for me?
Baby Boy, you’re so beautiful and wonderful all your own, I’m not always sure if even I can share you. Your time with Papa is often interrupted by my attempts at capturing those beautiful, precious moments the two of you share or my attempts at enforcing my ideas of safe or even with my joining in on your play together. I know I have to tell myself to step back and let go, but sometimes I’m not so sure about sharing you even with your wonderful Papa. Then again, sometimes I don’t even want to share your Papa with you.
Sharing is the best act of love though, this I know to be true. Were it not for sharing love with Papa, you wouldn’t be here. So, my sometimes selfish desires to have either or both of you all to myself is simply because my love for both of you is so profound, so deep, so entwined in my soul.
I don’t want to part with my soul. Adding another child to our family would be like adding another part to my soul, a part that I’d have to watch leave me from time to time, just like both Papa and yourself. And so I wonder, but I also know. I know that giving you a sibling will be great for all of us. I’m sure you will adore your sibling just as much, if not more than I. I know that the beauty you have you’ll freely share with any sibling you have. For you, my child, will be the best big brother anyone could ask for.
As I look back, I’m so very glad you and I had this time together alone. You’ve taught me much, helped me to release some things, showed me where and when to loosen up a bit, brought out more of my true person, and allowed me to grow through mistakes and practice.
You’re so very independent, thoughtful, kind, engaging, determined, suitable, and utterly loving. I want you to never lose sight of your strengths, never lose sight of who you are. I hope to continuously foster this throughout your life. I’ll do my best to let you just be you, no matter how trying at times, no matter my perceived inconvenience, or even the dislike I have over some things (like getting wet).
You keep being you, keep showing me the way, and continue forgiving my lack of knowledge or patience. Continue guiding me on this motherhood journey, for I love all parts of it, just as I love all parts of you.
And a few pictures of you as you grew from 16 months to 17 months here with us!