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I’m in that space. The space between having Baby Boy to care for, wanting to add a child to our family, wondering if I’m ready and capable, wondering how it would all work, and asking myself if I really really really even want to go through all that bringing another baby into the world entails.
Can I handle the possibility or morning sickness and still take care of Baby Boy? Can I mentally take that feeling of “I don’t feel well, though I know why, I actually can’t really do anything about it”? Will I constantly break down if I have to puke like I did before? How will that affect Baby Boy? Will he be scared? Will he wonder why Momma’s crying at the toilet so often? I know he won’t understand, but will that somehow make him anxious?
And what if I have an aversion to meat again? Will my family eat anything? What purpose as a wife, mother, (or even) woman will I have if I can’t/won’t/don’t do something as simple as prepare a nutritious meal for my family?
And the newborn baby days….How will I handle that? What if I spiral into a worse postpartum depression than I had with Baby Boy? Do I really know what I’m doing, at least a little bit, when it comes to those very new newborn days? Will I be able to handle having one child that has to be carried everywhere (even if in a wrap) and another who constantly wants to be on/near me?
And the breastfeeding…How will Baby Boy and I’s relationship change in this regard? What if he’s mean about having to share the “na na” with another baby? Oh boy, what if I can’t tandem? What if I have to stop breastfeeding in pregnancy due to the pain? What if my milk dries up while pregnant and Baby Boy isn’t ready to wean? What will I do then? What will I feed him while we’re away from home? For that matter, what will I feed him while we’re at home? Will I truly have to make even more snacks and foods than I do now? When will I ever sit down, if that’s the case? (And if I know me, I know I’ll need to sit while pregnant.) What if I have trouble breastfeeding and this first go ’round was a fluke? What will I do then?
Do I really have to explain myself to others again? Will my extended family just continue to quietly accept my choices, even if they don’t understand? Will people ask me weird (and somewhat stupid) questions again? Will I have to again say, “yes, what we’re doing is legal and no, both me and the baby will be fine”? The labor thing, that’ll likely need explaining again, will I have the desire or even the patience, while pregnant , to explain it to people? At least I have an idea of what labor for me can be like. OH, but what if I have a precipitous labor for some reason? Then, what if something is wrong?
The worry….oh boy, will I have that same worry at home in-between appointments during those first few months? Maybe I should get one of those dopplers or at least a stethescope. How’s Hun going to help me take care of me and Baby Boy and the pregnancy when he’s gone to work all day and I’m sitting/laying around feeling ill?
The questions, they never end. I could go on and on and on and on with the questions. The worry, the expectation, the everything. I’m nervous. I’m nervous about getting pregnant again. I want to get pregnant again (at some point). I would love adding to our family. But the questions, the worry, the anxiety of it all just drives me up a wall.
You know, it’s hard sometimes living differently from others, yet also easy. At the same time, the crux of family and life isn’t really all that different. I’m sure others have grappled with the questions before. So, tell me, what was it like when you considered adding to your family? How did you handle the questions and anxieties about going through the pregnancy and newborn phases of life again?