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I know things have been a bit quiet on my end lately. I even wrote a brief post on feeling overwhelmed just the other week.
Thankfully, I’m not still as overwhelmed now as I was then, yet I haven’t much been around. So, I’m sharing a bit more honesty today.
Things are getting increasingly difficult.
It’s not just about my large pregnant body. My pregnancy related carpel tunnel has been rather hellish lately, making the simplest of tasks difficult because of the numbness and the pain. I’ve also been having a bit more of the irrational thoughts and fears crop up for some reason.
I’m still in good health and overall feel alright, but I’m also vacillating between being a bit numb and wanting to escape, feeling frustrated with my very real limitations thanks to the carpel tunnel, and passing feelings of fear or worry.
I worry whether Turtle Baby is OK. Even though I feel Turtle Baby move every day, throughout the day, I have found myself more worried of something being wrong.
I worry about being prepared in time as I definitely feel time closing in on us/me.
I worry about the birth and whether somehow my birth desires, as well as some need, will be snatched away from me. There’s a bit of birth trauma related to this fear, which I thought I’d come to terms with earlier in the pregnancy, but maybe needs more work as we get close to birth.
I worry about whether labor and birth will be too much for Monkey Boy afterall.
I worry that I’ll somehow have an actual precipitous labor.
I worry that Hun won’t get to us in time or that something will happen as he gets to us.
I worry about everything lately.
In fact, I actually told Hun this week, during a sob fest, that at that moment I wanted Turtle Baby to come now.
That was, for me very counterintuitive and not something I ever thought I’d say. I’m not so much done with being pregnant as I am with the carpel tunnel that doesn’t seem to give me much of a break anymore, and the frustration with my limitations lately.
And, I don’t really want Turtle Baby to come sooner than needed, nor do I ever advocate for such things.
What I want is a break.
A break from the worrying. A break from the struggle to even brush my hair or teeth. A break from Monkey Boy’s seemingly increased anxiety or whatever has got him “mouthing” (toys, fingers, etc) again suddenly. Even a bit of a break from the very constant peeing. A break from the heaviness and pressure on my pelvis.
So, all of that is why I’ve been quiet. It’s very hard to use my hands, let alone type and socialize. Plus, I’m worrying and becoming a bit reclusive as a result.
Any ideas? I’m open to advice at this point. Encouraging words of wisdom? Anyone share these worries with their second or subsequent pregnancy?