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You read that right, I’m sad about my blog. Read on to fully understand what I mean, because I guarantee you, it’s not what you may think.
This isn’t the first time I’ve visited my little space on the internet in the last few months. Before that first time, it had been over a year since I’d visited, let alone written.
The first time I visited, I followed one of my own links out there in this wide internet space. I read a post and then another. It reminded me of how much I liked writing my thoughts and experiences. The hope that I shared, the struggles, and the triumphs as well. It also reminded me that I’m not too terrible of a writer.
The next time I visited, I just wanted to see how things looked. Honestly, I think I was showing something off or proving a point to Hun about design skills and having an eye and stuff like that. We were in discussion about a project and (as usual) our discussion linked other projects and skills and passions that we both have for ourselves and how all that intertwines into how we’d like our future to look.
Then tonight, I visited again. Honestly, I hadn’t thought or meant to visit, but something was amiss with our hosting and I wanted to sort it out before I forgot. It was a really quick and simple fix, thankfully. Then, I wanted to make sure my space was still in its proper working order, or rather, the way I’d left it more than a year ago.
In checking things out, I ended up scrolling and reading a post or two. What I read made me sad. I wasn’t sad about what I’d written so much as sad that I haven’t been in this space. I haven’t shared, let alone processed. This beautiful space has just been sitting here, holding its own, waiting for my return.
I’m thankful and grateful I’ve kept this space up. I won’t lie and say at some point in 2017 I thought about ending the space altogether, since I hadn’t been utilizing it and didn’t see if/when I’d be able to again. The mere thought of all the work and dedication. The passion and hope that I’d weaved into this space being gone made me a little sick to my stomach. And so, here it’s been, just sitting and waiting.
I won’t even dare say I’m ready to return. That’s not the point of this post. What I will say is that I may pop in from time to time. I’m not setting any goals or intentions or anything of that sort of this space at this time. I have a ton that I could share. So much that, in some ways, I need to share, I need to process fully through writing. But, I’m not ready. And, I’m okay admitting that.
I know I’m not ready to really dive into and process some of what happened in 2017. The myriad emotions, struggles, triumphs, heartache, or joys and new beginnings. I’m just not willing to go into any of it at this point. One day I will, I don’t know when, maybe soon, maybe not, only time will tell.
Yet, at the same time, I also know that I do have this space. So, part of the point in writing this and sharing where I am is about saying, hi to my space. To allow me to write something. I haven’t written anything in over a year, not even just for me.
If I’m being really honest, I’m afraid. If I’m being even a little honest, it hurts to think about some of what I want and what I need to write. So, I’m just not doing it right now. Again, one day I will, I just don’t know when yet.
Life is moving nicely for me and for our family at this present time. We’ve made some changes. I’ve changed. I’ve grown. And, I’ve shifted. A new venture has even been started (go check it out!).
My focus is on the new venture and some of the upcoming changes in our lives over the next few months. It’s on me and my growth and my determination to succeed elsewhere. My focus is on our family and the healing we have still have to do; on creating space for me in a way that fills me up where I’ve doubted myself in the past. My focus is on holding it together – for myself and for my family.
Because truthfully, I could break down. I want to break down just writing all this out, releasing a little bit of the block of the wall that I’ve created and has served me for a little while. I am aware of the dangers of not releasing even a bit on occasion. Right now though, this space is not the place for that release, I have other ways I’m using right now.
Nonetheless, this is my update and why I’m sad about my blog, at least on one level of the many in life. And what’s really great is that being sad about my blog isn’t about blogging or the blog itself, it’s about what can and does happen here. It’s about writing and revealing and releasing and being vulnerable and reaching out. So, it’s actually an okay kind of sadness, because if I wasn’t sad about this space of mine, I wouldn’t be able to return at some point, ready to do all the things I do here.